You love to abstract your world? Come back down and feel it!

I woke up with the intrinscial feeling of being lost. Again. It was a feeling I got to know well over the years. A feeling of floating in the vastness of the ocean, like a drop that is not grasping and standing still on land, but that is floating away with the tides of morning and night.

For years, I was dissecting the root of that feeling. Where does it come from? Is it that I am on the wrong pathway? Is it that I am not anchored? Is it that I have traumata that keep me from feeing grounded?

But so far, no answer has revealed itself, no blade of grass I could have held upon to give me relief. I was swirling in circles, like there was no escape, no object to grasp, but the endless scenery to repeat itself. I saw myself hanging on a pole, turning around 360 degrees, my T-shirt blowing in the wind and and the wind tearing it to shreds, while I, weirdly changing from photorealistic to a male comic figure, painted in a comic book, was wearing jeans shorts and looking like I was 12 years of age. The pole would rotate even further and whatever I would try to grasp would just be too far away. Then they pole would spin less after a while. And I would hang on it, exhausted and with my fingers scratching its surface in the hope of not falling off it like a clumpsy sack of potatoes. Puff. Gaining mass and sinking to a ball of an obscure skin-like mass, my butt bouncing off the earthy ground where small feathers of grass tribes where sitting and receiving a gust of wind without the intention to be blasted so early in the day.

What a picture. I got distracted creating the images and visuals of what I was seeing inside of the feeling it was creating.

Back to the feeling or the non-feeling. The looking for an answer and what it portraits. The swirling without finding an answer and the dropping without knowing where to drop down.

Today, I chose a similar approach to dissect what was going on. Trying to put into words what is difficult to describe. Going into an exploratory journey within myself to feel, make sense and describe the sentiments, thoughts, and perspectives that are hidden beneath the conscious to bring them into words, bring them into something an AI or another being may understand and give sense to.

Dissecting what is difficult to dissect and rationalizing what is not to be rationalized

I turned to Gemini, Google's AI Pro 2.5 to be correct on the technical terms to describe the feeling and looking for new perspectives, to get new clarity and to get an idea what it may be.

While scrolling through the text, I realize how much I have written and discussed. The words look to me from the screen of my iPad but they do not touch me. I know what I have written a while ago, but what I care about is the story, the syntax, the climax, the realization of what I found out. coming to the point, taking it in and changing the space, open it up and extending it.

Let's start from the beginning. The first lines I wrote into the AI and the interesting note that after half the first letters, I switched into German. It is easier for me to write in German, the words are floating out of me without me needing to describe or look up or use plain and 5-year old words, my German words are sophisticated, I can come up with words that describe feelings without them needing to be correct, but the feeling they portrait is right.

In English, that is more difficult to achieve. It is a learning in progress work that tend to hinder the natural floating of words, the right choosing of what they portray and the hope to find answers hidden beneath the pages of another human-artificial being.

I wrote to AI: "I wake up and I feel nothing is real, like weirdly, like that is far away and now I am here and why all of that, it is as if I would demand something, maybe, that I do something, and then I withdraw, but not really, weirdly as if it is of no significance, what is that, with these things, as far away, but hours before heavily invested, fully there, now as far away, a far distance, as if I had enclosed it now, it's done now, but it os not irrelevant, it is important, but now it feels so far away as if it was never there, the hours invested are irrelevant, not there anymore, as if forgotten, is there a description for that, or not really?"

A mumble-wumble of words, trying to describe a feeling that is not describable.

The result: AI goes all in, sees it as a big issue. Talks about depersonalization and derealization. as if the world is non-existent. And that it is a deep stress reaction of the body. It describes what I can do and how to solve that "issue".

Only problem? It is not real. That is not what I feel, what is going on.

I try it again.

"Hm, not sure if that is what you are describing, but it is far away, the question is, why did I put so much effort into it, it is like waking up from a dream and to realize, that is very far away, is it the fear to to admin to oneself, or what is that? I don't know."

Again, AI's answer is heavy. Like the world's difficulties lie on my shoulders, while I do not feel that heavy. It talks about emotional distancing and psychological distancing. It talks about the fear and how the fear is so heavy that it can lead to a security filter that I use to shut off anything else. Again, AI is heavily involved in the psychological and mental classification of what that is. The more I write, the more I feel that it describes and rabbit-holes into issues that are not related to what is going on. The feeling itself is still there and I still have not found an anchor point. I try it again.

And I try it again. We end up talking about floating and stress situations. We talk about earthing and rooting exercises, we talk about hyper focus and mental exhaustion. But none of that solves the curly ball of spaghetti paths that I feel in my head. It does not resonate. It is lose words with no touchness, it is empty.

And then we come closer to the real topic. The understand of what that feling might be tied to.

I write to AI: "It is not that I forget all I had done or all that I worked on, but I forget about my part of it. It is as if all that I do, I see it as nothing, as never happened. It is, as if I would start from zero every day, without goal, without direction, that is very irritating, and yet I know what I have to do, but it is as if it would not matter, as if it would be irrelevant, it is as waking up from a dream and starting from anew."

And we have a sentence of AI that resonates with me in its answer "The root of the problem is not in the quality of your work, but in the discrepancy between the doing and your feeling for it."

It mentions that it is like an athlet. They see the goal, the finish it, and then once done, they forget it and move on.

We are getting closer, but there still is a moment of doubt. Did we catch the key of what is going on?

The key of what is going on. Coming closer to the real reason of the feeling of being lost

Now I become invested, I realize we are scratching the surface of something important. While I run and have a long call, I realize that there is something I want to explore more in depth. What is going on? What is that?

I talk to AI again: There might be a truth in there. I can see work purely rational, as if I would put myself in a position of all perspectives, of all patterns, like diving into another level, analyzing everything, but fading out all that is emotional consciously, so that I can look at the case purely objectively. It is, as if it has nothing to do with me, I abstract, I give letters to people, and by doing so forget all emotional connection, all feeling, I think myself fully and all-absorbing into the rationality, in the objectivity. That may, not sure, lead to good assessments, that however do not have an emotional feeling, even though the cases include emotions, sentiments and I feel them, but I am a neutral person like everyone else in the process, but I do not understand the emotions of it on myself, mentally yes, but emotionally it feels like I deliberately branch out, take off what is going on while I focus purely on the task ahead. It is as if I erase my own feelings, work, wishes from the work, the situation, as if they would not be there, as if I do but I am not evaluate them as part of my value, the value for me, my goals, somehow different.

And while I write these words down, I realize, yes, there is something real in them.

AI realizes that too, but maybe it only feels that way, as I feel something, as I feel it resonates with what I wrote before.

It answers "you distance your emotions from the mental work you do. It is a specialized ability that allows you to be objective and analytical. To be able to dive into these topics so deeply and process all details, you fade out your feelings consciously. You take yourself out of the picture."

Yes, that is true. And AI continues with describing the practice of abstraction and seeing oneself as a neutral person to be able to see all the patterns and perspectives that play a role in the process and work that happens in these moments.

It describes the paradox of that form of abstraction. While there is value in that form of work, of feeling the feelings of everyone involved and the sentiments of a room, there is also a danger of ignoring personal, subjective wishes, dreams and values that are connected to the work itself. The value is given to the project, not to the person working on the project.

While answering, AI describes one key of how to solve this discrepancy between emotions and abstractions/rationality:

"Evaluate your progress based on your own value system. Not only whether your work was objectively good, but also if it was aligned to what is important to you. Did you help another person and their progress? Did you stay true to your values and principles? That gives sense far beyond the pure functionality of the work itself."

I feel that AI, after that long discussion of back and forth and the understanding of a deeper feeling, finally came to a point that made sense. That let me feel something. That let me see various spaghetti strings in a different light. And that helped to decipher what is going on when one distances rational and subjective personal aspects from each other not in work (where it can be very valuable), but in personal matters too.

I share some more information to come closer to what is going on: "good point, I believe we are coming closer to the core of the theme, and this last point [AI's note on "Evaluate your progress based on your own value system....] is potentially the key to all, the key to the question, why I float in the room so often and not know what to do. This assessment is missing, this facet is missing, as it is not looked at, as it is left out. For that reason, I jump into tasks, work that is on the x-axis, but not on the y-axis, which leads to the fact that I see words, and tasks everywhere, why I am apparently good in everything, but this connection is missing, I am not diving into the task as a human being with my wishes, but ignoring that, and thus are not able to see the progress of a thing, but just the task by itself, not the connection and thus it feels like starting anew every single time"

AI confirms that. Of course. It is not speaking against you, only when you make it highly rational, like I do when working on cases.

The x-axis and the y-axis, I love my own metaphor. It is logical and clearly understandably. And I will put it together for you to see it more clearly.

The x-axis? This is the OBJECTIVE DOING - productivity, rationality, getting tasks done, and the collection of knowledge.

The y-axis? This is the PERSONAL CONNECTION - personal wishes, value, goals, proudness, emotions.

But what happens if one only moves along one axis, the x-axis, but not the other one? Exactly that, the feeling that I tried to describe in my first message to the AI - feeling lost, disoriented. It is like collecting words, successes, but as they are not grounded in a personal value system, they are just fleeting, isolated points on that axis.

The question is: How can we connect the x-axis points with the y-axis? How to create points that are on both axes? That include the y-axis as it includes the x-axis? That's what we will look at next.

How to combine the rational and the personal? How to create dots that touch and combine the x-axis with the y-axis?

AI has some answers on that question:

• Don't find the perfect answer, but ask a question: "What is my personal wish or my personal goal in this specific task, in this specific project?"
• These goals and wishes do not need to be big, but can be small as well, like "I want to learn, to be more patient." or "I want to see how my work can help others."
• Practice the emotional reintegration: don't view the rational and the emotional aspects as contrary, but use the analytical skills to better understand your feelings. If there is a feeling of proudness and fulfillment - analyze it: Where does it come from? What specific task or experience has triggered that feeling?

And in more detail:

• Concentrate on the feeling, on the sensing, but not the one of others, not the rational one, not the abstracted one, but the bodily, the personal, the sensory
• An example: I am going jogging. Why? Because I want to be fit. (more on the rational side), because I like to touch and hover over my leg's skin and feel softness and strength at the same time (more on the emotional personal side), because I enjoy getting into it, and once I am in my jogging rhythm, I feel like I can achieve anything, it is calmness within exhaustion and excitement (personal emotional, feeling and a bit rational too).
• Look consciously for the feelings related to a task, to a project - Do not only ask "what is the objective, the goal?", but also ask "Which feeling, which sentiment do I want to experience with that task/that project?" It's fine if that is simple, fulfillment, joy, relaxation, the feeling of doing something meaningful.
• Try to find a place in your body, where you feel what you are feeing with a specific task/exercise/project - where does it show up - is there tension? Is there openness? Is there a tingling? Is there calmness? What is there and how does it feel?
• My own personal note: And do not only feel, but combine what you feel with what you wish for. What is it that you want to feel? What is it that you want to be? What does it connect to in your personal feeling?

Asking, Feeling, Noting and the x-y-axis Framework

I am excited. The x-y-axis feels like a framework that my mind accepts, that it can work with.

The space that is not there, it's a one-dimensional plate right now - 2D, not 3D.

I sketches of animals - 350+ to be precise - and recently I upscaled them and turned them with AI into 3D characters.

What if that is the same with the human "CHARACTER", what if that is the key not only for stories of characters that experience life and forming their personal stories?

What if that is the same as for our experience in the world? What if that is the key that defines how we are formed into characters that are not only one-dimensional and difficult to grasp, but real, 3D, quirky, not all "easy and the same", but with character, with uniqueness within?

What if that is needed to turn us into characters? Into something others can interact with, can understand, as there is a form that is unique to one character compared to another one?

When we look at one of my characters - in 2D and in 3D - the difference is striking:

And it is even more powerful, when we animate the 3D characters, when they become full bodies, when there is life in them, actions, experiences. When they do things. These form a story, a hero, a villain, a CHARACTER. If we like that character or not is a different story, but there is substance there, there is reality.

If that is hidden from the surface, even from those that are the CHARACTER themselves, if there is chaos, if there is nothing graspable, nothing conflicting, nothing questionable, how can it ever be a character? Ever be a being that we can place in the space in which we interact with the world?

What implications does it have and how can we use the x-y-axis to come closer to be our own character, to become more ourselves, our full being?

The x-y-axis and how to become a 3D-real character

The answer is by far not simple. It is hard as hell. But it is relevant. And it helps us to have not only an x-axis, but a y-axis. The axis, the space in which we express and feel our feelings. Those that are personal to our being and ourselves.

The feelings that connect our work and our being. Our doing and our feeling. Our rationality and our emotions. Or abstraction and our connection. It is the place where we come home. Not only to a part of us, but to all parts that are within us.

We can analyze them until we fall apart, we can work and work more to find a way to escape them, we can abstract them and push them far away. Whatever we do, we can not outrun them. they will hunt us and disturb us, when we do not listen.

They are the little intuitive voice that wants to tell us what is really going on and how we feel about the projects and the work we do.

It is on us to listen to these feelings that are there. No more and no less. No planning, no structuring, no making sense on a purely rational level. This won't lead nowhere. No, just being there and connecting with our emotions, our feelings, our senses, our body, our soul. These parts - the y-axis - that we disconnected from our work.

I put together a first x-y-axis framework for the "Going Jogging" project/activity.

While I did so, I realized a method that helps to get clarity on the activities that might be the ones we should focus more on.

I plotted all those activities I do around jogging into this framework, focusing on the >0 axis parts, not going into negatives. And plotted all the activities I do that may be related to the feelings of jogging and how I am relating to it, the body senses and what I want and like to feel and know to enjoy.

FEELING / CONNECT = How much and positively am I connected to this activity/task? How smooth, positive, emotionally do I care about it?

DOING = How often do I do what I do? The frequency of which I do that activity.

Next, I wrote down my sentiment about those activities - that I all already did in the past/now - and noted down the feeling that I want to feel again - kind of the goal of the exercise, the objective I care about and want to recreate, as it felt so good.

With each activity, the text explains more what it is that makes this activity float around the y-axis. That is a short version of those feelings and sentiments, that for sure can vary per day, per intensity, per activity, per time.

For example - the length of the jogging activity influences the sentiment associated with it, which may ask the question - is the >30min jogging giving me enough pleasure to do it more than 15mins or are there other activities that I can put into my calendar and increase their frequency, that allow me to feel more connected to those positive feelings without needing to go jogging? Especially as the positive feeling happens to come first after at least 30mins?

Taking Action: Increasing the DOING Frequency and decreasing it -> What effect does it have on the FEELING/CONNECT axis?

The next steps? Checking what happens when we move those activities to a higher frequency of doing of which we know that they may move the needle of us being more connected and doing more of those activities that we subjectively feel more connected and positive about? that give us energy? That form our character into one that we love, that we feel good about?

Not rationalized, not abstracted, but simply because we enjoy what we do and feel connected to those activities and tasks?

Once we plotted our decisions on what to increase-decrease in our chart, we can then do little experiments:

• What happens when this week I eat more veggies? What will happen? Will I feel good, better? Or does it have little effects? Do I need to pair it with something else?
• what happen when I eat less chocolate and at the same time play more tennis? What happens? Is it dependent on the time I do it? With whom? Is there a maximum of time I can do do that before there is a bell-curve kind of effect?
• and so on..

These questions and their answers are then helping us to figure out if we are moving more into a direction where what we do is actually aligned to our personal emotions, our feelings towards what we do.

If these are emotions we like, that make us proud, that give us joy. That feel good. If yes, we can do more of those, if not, we can stop those activities that are not serving us well - whatever our rational mind may say about them.

And now?

Try it out and let me know what you think. I will do the same.

And after a while we can come together and see how it changed our day-to-day towards the better.

Are we more of a 3D character? Less one-dimensional. But actually brought all of us to the table. Living what we love? And doing what we enjoy? and what makes sense to us?

Shrinking our feelings of feeling lost.